WASHINGTON, DC—Screams of mortal terror rang out over the National Mall Wednesday as President Trump finally discarded his mortal form, revealing himself to be Cthulhu, the Great Devourer.
Political analysts were quick to note that this was well timed, coming as the last act of his lame duck Presidency before he left office.
“We see this sort of thing happening often when a sitting President loses to the opposing party,” political historian Susan Politics told us. “They have a few months during the transition where they can act without fear of electorate response, and so enact executive orders, pardons, or cross-dimensional demonic possession to make their successors first days in office more challenging.”
The High Priest of the Great Old Ones tore across the Capitol in his final hours as President, devouring Republican lawmakers and destroying the Washington Monument.
“PH’NGLUI MGLW’NAFH CTHULHU R’LYEH WGAH’NAGL FHTAGN!!!” he chanted, widely understood to be a jab at Vice-President Mike Pence.
Fire and brimstone rained down from the sky as magma boiled up from the Deep Places of the Earth. The 340-foot tall Sleeper of R’lyeh turned the reflecting pool to ash, before transmitting Eternal Anxiety into the souls of all who opposed him. The resulting 4-hour backup on I-95 left many locals sour, coming as it did during the morning rush hour.
“I-I-It really ticks me off, man. He made me miss work!” said one commuter who called himself Uncle Joe. “And it was my first day too. C’mon, man!”
Trump’s tentacles wrapped around the Lincoln Memorial, speculated to represent his rival The Lincoln Project, before reducing it to dust. But he stayed away from the Jefferson Memorial, a shrewd move analyst say will sit well with his more conservative base come the 2024 election.
“This is another example of Trump’s brilliance—setting up his next election bid right away with a show of strength that is sure to wow the voters,” Ivanka Trump posited.
Recent polling data backs up this assessment, showing Trump Cthulhu, Lord of Pain up 4 points with both Republican and undecided voters after his rampage.
Originally published Jan 8, 2021
