VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis has arranged a prisoner swap with the United States of America to finally bring Archbishop Vigano home.
America will release Vigano in exchange for the Vatican releasing Beelzebub. The deal resolves four years of often-tense negotiations since Vigano was detained in the United States on charges of conspiracy. Vigano fled into hiding, but was eventually sentenced to a lifetime of Twitter Jail in what America-watchers say was a kangaroo court.
“You see this kind of behavior all the time in America,” commentator Tom Woods told The Daily Inquisition. “They arrest some foreign national on obscure charges, often motivated by political reasons.”
Experts say these prisoners are often captured with the intent to use as leverage in negotiations with foreign powers. Many were not surprised at Vigano’s sentencing given the recent strain on Vatican-American relations over America’s recent culture war levied against the Catholic Church.
“The United States knew what they were doing right from the start. They knew that Vatican City had captured Beelzebub, and they wanted him released for use in their war efforts. But the only way they could possibly arrange that was via a prisoner swap,” Woods posited.
While all are glad to see Vigano finally returned home, many are criticizing Pope Francis for releasing such a high-ranking enemy of the Vatican in exchange for only one low-level prisoner. Beelzebub was serving 1000-consecutive life sentences for genocide, treason, organizing the Crucifixion of Jesus, and other high-profile crimes.
“Frankly, Vigano is not worth Beelzebub in terms of international politics,” critic Massimo Faggioli tweeted. “Such bum deals make the Vatican look weak to her enemies, and sadly is more of the same conciliar approach we’ve seen from this administration so far.”
At press time, Archbishop Vigano was immediately clapped in irons upon landing in Vatican City.
