Terrified observers reported fire and lightning falling from the sky in what is being described as a “mostly peaceful” smiting.
Witnesses say a group of college students were standing around proclaiming that only the Latin Mass was acceptable to God when fire came from heaven upon their heads to consume them.
“They withered in flames, serving as an example to the rest of the community about the consequences of igniting God’s wrath,” local journalist Kris Kuomo told The Daily Inquisition. “But don’t let the fire and brimstone distract you from the fact that this was still a mostly peaceful smiting.”
Experts say that the bodily destruction of God’s enemies was less than 3% of what God was doing at that moment, and that reports naming the incident “violent” are overblown.
“This is clearly a response to injustice and error, and so of course you’re going to have some Divine Persons angry,” Kuomo said. “But even so, the purpose is always aimed at peace and a restoration of harmony in the ecclesia of faith,” he continued as more lightning fell down behind him.
The smitings were ignited after a particularly heretical statement by a Catholic blogger was captured on a nearly 8-minute long livestream. The video was the latest in what many communities claim is a decades-long legacy of systemic heresy that still isn’t being addressed. The collective frustrations boiled over—and soon after the video, Divine Wrath blazed up across the country in a series of loosely-organized smitings against a variety of heresies and heresy-related organizations.
“The Jesuit headquarters is completely destroyed,” Kuomo said, “as is most of the Vatican, for some reason.”
He paused and continued, “But I would like to stress that these are anomalies in what is, largely speaking, peaceful action against a system of injustice and error.”
At press time, Catholic authorities have ordered their error-fighting forces to stand down and let the smitings do their work for them in what is being described as a “mostly effective” strategy.
