The predicted “Red Wave” turned into a Blue Victory today as Democrats maintain control of the Senate, postponing the millennial reign of Christ until at least 2024.
Celestial sources report that the mood inside of heaven was “bleak” as results from the Nevada Senate race were finally called in favor of the Democrat-incumbent, giving the Democrats a slim majority. Cherub-faced angels were seen variously weeping, sullen, or aimlessly milling about while trying to process the latest blow to their political agenda.
“Our plan is so close to being finished, and it just keeps getting interrupted,” one angel complained. “First Biden’s inauguration, now this!”
Heavenly insiders have long leaked the angelic plan to turn America into the center of Jesus’ triumphant return in glory and Earthly Paradise before finally bringing all things to a close at the end of the age. Sources claim that for several centuries the good spirits have been laboring to create America as a holy “city on a hill” extending over the whole continent, primed for the Messiah to come again. The defeat of the Nazis and the triumph over the Soviet Union were seen by many as the final large hurdles to clear before the endgame could be enacted.
“Once we got the right Supreme Court Justices in there, we were going to outlaw abortion, then same-sex marriage, then Protestantism,” another angel told us. “Then, with a Congressional majority, we could launch a probe into the Bidens’ corruption to undermine lingering Democrat legitimacy—then finally the right conditions would be met for the Big Guy to come and take over as King, with the American President as his Vicar on Earth.”
Several angels reported that the final victory was planned for Donald Trump’s second term before the Democrats stole the election.
“We sent Trump to earth to seal the deal,” one confided in The Daily Inquisition, “but we underestimated our opponents. We were counting on a Red Wave to prepare the way for him to return to power and finish the job, but now even that plan is shot.”
Another angel chimed in, “Looks like it’s up to Ron DeSantis now!”
Originally published Nov 13, 2022
