VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis finally completed his goal of bringing balance to the Church on Thursday, when he used his centralized Roman authority to destroy the centralized Roman authority over the Church.
Pope Francis has been vocal throughout his Pontificate of his desire to decentralize the Church, which he views as weighed down by too much bureaucracy and rigidity in Rome. He has been noted for giving many Motu proprios, or decrees “by his own authority,” to return the Church to a season of synodality and local governance. His latest Motu proprio changed the Code of Canon Law to finally get rid of the Roman Curia altogether.
“The Church required reform,” Francis was heard responding to a reporter. “After that, centralized power served no purpose beyond temptation.”
A now unemployed Cardinal in a tattered cassock was seen asking the Pope where his old centralized power was. Francis only responded grimly, “Gone, reduced to atoms.”
The Cardinal broke down in tears, blowing his nose in a silk embroidered handkerchief.
“You should be grateful,” Pope Francis whispered.
Observers noted that the Pope then quickly changed to a peculiar purplish hue. He was also seen with a large metal glove of some unknown sacramental significance. The glove was richly decorated, appearing to be plated in gold and covered in gemstones.
A curious reporter asked what it had cost.
“Everything,” Francis replied, pulling out his empty pockets for emphasis.
Originally published May 5, 2022
