Local Catholic Bill Straub was seen checking himself over for the marks of Jesus’ Crucifixion, according to sources close to him. The reports come after Straub allegedly turned down a second piece of double-chocolate cake after yesterday’s Christmas dinner.
“My doctor says I can’t have sugar anymore after I tested for diabetes,” Straub told us. “I knew that was going to be hard, so I committed myself to offering it up in union with Jesus’ Cross.”
Straub expects the stigmata, the mystical appearance of the five wounds of Jesus on a persons body, the manifest “any day now.”
“All this fasting means I have a special connection to the suffering Christ,” Straub said to no one in particular. “Very often Jesus blesses the Saints who join Him in this way with exterior signs to prove their holiness.” He reached under his shirt to feel for spear wounds on his side.
“It hasn’t just been that second piece of cake,” he continued while looking for nail marks on his feet. “Just the night before I limited myself to five beers!”
At press time, Straub decided to have that piece of cake for breakfast, since “Christmas is a time of celebration.”
