Every year Catholic’s look forward to participating in the Passion Gospel on Palm Sunday. But worshippers at St. Simon Parish say one man has been getting a little too into it.
Parishioner Kurt Vonguerton showed up at 9 A.M. wearing traditional first-century Palestinian attire and sporting an untrimmed, ancient Jewish beard. He was carrying a baby statue for some unknown reason, presumably to add to the Judean immersion.
That was just before the Gospel began, however.
Sources say once the narrator started, Vonguerton began shouting the peoples’ responses louder than was normal. One fellow parishioner, Sally Wizzins, told us he got particularly intense during the “crucify him” part.
“He shouted ‘CRUCIFY HIM’ at the top of his lungs and pointed right to the priest. Father turned as white as a ghost!” she remembered.
“I like yelling ‘crucify him’ as much as the next guy,” she said. “But at some point I start to question your motives.”
After the second round of “crucify him,” Vonguerton was seen pointing at the tabernacle in what others described as “tasteless.”
“At some point he just started yelling gibberish,” Wizzins told us. “Je sit bar a bah, or something like that.”
Vonguerton then began exhibiting many strange and concerning behaviors, including foaming at the mouth, dancing around, and ritually cutting himself while calling upon Ba’al.
“I mean, he was really into it,” Wizzins shuddered.
The priest, Fr. Jeff Ibiza, said he was just happy to see some enthusiasm in church for a change.
