HELL—Satan is beginning to wonder if the end of the world is soon upon him, sources close to the Prince of Darkness leaked on Thursday.
Demons and divorce lawyers noted that the Lord of Suffering wasn’t torturing the souls of the damned with his usual relish, and sat with a distant stare the entire time he was eating a man’s flesh, an obvious sign that something was on his mind.
“That storming the Capitol business last night really did it for me,” he was heard muttering to a cowering slave. “I mean the humans are always rising up one nation against another, kingdoms always being shaken, wars and insurrections going on…but somehow this just feels different. Oh goodness, could it finally be happening?”
The Father of Lies was next seen rummaging around the back of his closet looking for old notes or plans, anything that could help him prepare. “I didn’t think it would happen so soon. I’m so not ready!” Beelzebub next lamented that there was still over 2.4 billion Christians in the world; “I was hoping to get that down by half by this point. That’s what you get for procrastinating I guess!”
Fellow devils tried encouraging their Father Below by pointing out all the times before they felt the humans on the brink of ushering in the Final Age, only for it all to work out in the end. The Great Deceiver was having none of it.
“Plagues, famines, wars and rumors of wars, many people propping themselves up in the name of Christ and in place of Christ…it’s all unmistakable!”
After some further prodding and being tortured, the lesser devils succeeded in calming down the King of Hell just a little, who still ordered to “ramp up efforts just in case. I don’t want to be caught with my pants down when our Enemy makes his final move!”
At press time Satan is back to his old spirits after hearing Big Tech banned some more conservative voices. “Seems like the end or not, we’ll be pretty ready for it after all!”
Originally published Jan 7, 2021
