Local Catholic Megan Parker rushed to greet a newcomer at the parish picnic yesterday with juicy Third Secret of Fatima rumors.
The complete stranger, later identified as Adam Sorifsen, had wandered into the event looking lonely and confused. Thinking he might be a new parishioner, Parker made a point to go over and welcome him.
“You’re probably thinking about how the Pope has been hiding the Third Secret of Fatima from us,” Parker greeted the man. “Well, you’ve come to the right place!”
Without waiting for him to respond, Parker launched into a 7-minute sermon about which Third Secret of Fatima theories were her favorite.
“Obviously, the Third Secret THEY told us isn’t the real one. My sister thinks that it’s really about Communist forces from Soviet Russia rising up into a prolonged coup that will overthrow the West with a nuclear strike. Those Communist infiltrators have even come to America and are right now in control of the Democratic Party in at least 6 States, maybe more. But my friend says it’s not actually about the Communists at all. Really it says that the gays have been commissioned by Satan to infiltrate the Catholic Church through seminaries to corrupt doctrine and usher in an era of confusion before the final trial.”
Sorifsen stood quietly, awkwardly shifting on his legs as Parker backed him into a corner of the parking lot. At long last he managed to get out “I have to use the restroom” as Parker caught her breath. He ran in the opposite direction before Parker could finish explaining the role of the Jews in hiding the Third Secret.
Sources later revealed that Sorifsen was not even Catholic, but only came to the picnic to try and learn about the Church. He had been shopping around various denominations in an effort to find the full Christian truth, and had at last decided to give Catholicism a chance.
The Daily Inquisition chased him down to see what he thought of the experience.
Sorifsen shrugged. “You guys are still less weird than the Pentecostals.”
